Write Your Transference: When the Past is Present

Let’s imagine a situation: you've just received an email from your new team leader with some critical feedback on a project. The feedback itself is constructive and professional, but your immediate, gut reaction is disproportionate: you feel a surge of anger and a sense of being unfairly targeted, leading to intense defensiveness. You want to immediately fire back a sharply worded email.

The Transference Playing Out: If you hit pause, you might realise this intense reaction feels oddly familiar. Perhaps, growing up, a parent or teacher used criticism in a way that felt shaming or undermining, rather than supportive. Now, even though your new team leader isn't that person and their intent is different, that old "wound" of feeling unfairly judged or diminished is triggered. You're unconsciously projecting that past dynamic onto the present situation, feeling the same fight-or-flight response you experienced as a child. The current feedback isn't just about the project; it's feeling like that old, painful criticism.

Transference is that subtle, often unconscious projection of past emotions, attitudes, behaviours, or old traumas onto someone or a situation in the present. These reactions often surface when you're triggered, especially in emotionally charged situations or with people you feel strongly about.

Examples of Past Wounds

Let's consider an abandonment or feelings of unworthiness trauma, for example. The moment you encounter someone you feel emotionally charged by, you might begin to project those feelings onto them, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You behave in a way that confirms your deepest fears, as this feels familiar as that’s how you felt treated as a child.

Subconsciously, you might act unreasonably to provoke the very scenario that confirms your trauma. Deep down, don't we know we're being unreasonable in those situations? Of course we do. But it's important to "be right"—what else is left if that is taken away? Different behaviours? Why? The purpose there isn't to build connection; it's to confirm your trauma and, paradoxically, to actively sabotage the genuine connection you crave but avoid at all costs. Creating different brain wires requires emotional work, and that can be painful.

You might recognise these scenarios when you start to have very intense feelings that are overwhelming you. In these situations, there's a lot of projection, as you project either your actions or your fears onto them. Sometimes we transfer because some past issues are too challenging to face. Transference also offers a false sense of control because its familiarity keeps you safe from looking within and dealing with painful wounds.

Outgrowing Childhood Coping Mechanisms

As children, we developed somewhat unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive and process overwhelming emotions. But continuing to use those same strategies as adults? It's simply not effective – for us, and certainly not for those around us.

Consider this: if, as a child, you made a mistake and felt bad, you'd retreat to your room or throw a tantrum when upset. Doing that as an adult creates significant challenges, and frankly, it's unproductive. It's perfectly okay to take space when needed and communicate that. However, it's unfair to expect the adults in your life to "come to your room" so they can regulate your emotions and tell you it's okay. It's not their job to be your parent, and placing them in that role can be overwhelming and unreasonable.

Our adult journey – a solo expedition – requires us to cultivate self-compassion, cheer ourselves on, build our confidence and our own systems of resilience, and take responsibility when we stumble. These healthy behaviours will help us to navigate different life situations in a responsible and empathetic way towards others. While friends or professionals can offer invaluable support, and writing can be a powerful tool, ultimately, learning to truly feel our emotions is the road we've needed to walk all along.

Write Your Way Through Transference

The next time you find yourself overreacting, hit pause and ask yourself these questions. Let’s take the initial example:

How old am I right now?

Example of Writing: “I'm 33, sitting at my laptop. But my gut feels like I'm 8 years old again, standing in front of the class after getting a bad grade and feeling shame.”

Am I having a tantrum? Am I upset because someone isn't behaving exactly as I decided they should? Do I want to punish them for it?

Example of Writing: "Yes, I want to scream back. I want to make them feel bad for making me feel this way. It's not fair. I want them to retract the feedback and tell me I'm great, just like I wished my dad or mum would have."

Where is this feeling truly coming from?

Example of Writing: "It's not just about this feedback. It's the feeling of being judged, of not being good enough, of someone seeing my flaws and not liking me. It reminds me of my [parent/teacher] always pointing out what I did wrong. It resonates with what I think am doing wrong, so I feel powerless."

Write the narrative you're telling yourself about the situation. Is it entirely true, or is your mind overthinking and avoiding simply feeling the raw emotion?

Example of Writing: "The narrative is: 'They think I'm incompetent, I am not good enough. They don't value my work. This is the beginning of them leaving me.' Is it true? Probably not. They gave specific examples and said 'good work overall.' My mind is jumping to conclusions because I'm terrified of failure, and that terror is masking a deeper sadness or shame."

Is this person acting against me or they are different? Do they really want to harm me?

Example of Writing: "My team leader is actually quite fair. This is a standard process. They're not yelling or shaming me. Their personality is direct, which is different from my upbringing where criticism was often indirect or emotionally loaded."

Who from my past do I associate this person with?

Example of Writing: "This feeling associates them with [parent/teacher's name]. The tone, even if it's imagined, just brings back that old feeling."

What does that feeling look like? If it's anger, let it be. If it's joy, let that be. Whatever it is, just feel it in your body, without judgment or immediate action.

Example of Writing: "It's a hot, tight knot in my stomach, spreading into my chest like a fire. It's anger, but underneath, it's fear and a little bit of shame. I'm just going to sit with this heat, let it be."

By writing through these prompts, the individual can begin to differentiate between the current reality (constructive feedback) and the past wound (feeling shamed or unworthy).

This awareness helps them respond from their adult, resourceful self, rather than reacting from the triggered, wounded child within.

Through this process, the narrative begins to shift, allowing one to write and respond from an adult perspective. Consider asking yourself: How can I respond to this constructively? How can I work more effectively with those around me? What does true, connective support look like?

If you're ready to explore these complex emotions and cultivate a deeper understanding of your own patterns, a private, judgment-free space can be incredibly powerful. Head over to Grafto to begin your writing journey.