The Comfort of Fantasy: Where Dreams Go to Sleep

We all have that "one day" dream, that project we'll totally start... someday. Sometimes we actually do, and that's fantastic. But on some, we never even get close to starting. Ever wonder why? Dreams and fantasies are great for creating possibilities, but they can also be a sneaky, comfy, extremely well-decorated trap.

The Allure of the Mental Playground

As kids, living in make-believe was harmless, a vital coping tool for a world we couldn't control. We'd create imaginary friends or brave new worlds to escape discomfort. But as adults, when fantasies serve to avoid discomfort, vulnerability, or the messy, reality of present feelings, they become a different kind of trap. A shinny cage, perhaps.

In these mental playgrounds, we're flawless heroes, universally admired, effortlessly doing what’s needed. It's a low-risk, high-reward environment! No real sweat, no potential for public embarrassment. Yet, these fantasies remain just that – fantasies – because they demand no real work. No discomfort, no vulnerability, and certainly no risk of actual, soul-crushing failure. Fantasies are what you talk about doing, what you want to do, but, well, rarely do.

What truly matters isn't the fantasy itself, but what we're desperately trying to avoid by escaping into it – just like we did when we were tiny humans. Back then, it was safe. Now, as adults, we don't need that same bubble-wrap. We don't need to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, or just feel our feelings. We typically dive headfirst into fantasies precisely when our reality feels too challenging, or when we're utterly paralysed by the anxiety our own inaction has so kindly gifted us.

The Reason We Love Our Fantasies

(It's Not Rocket Science, Just Self-Preservation)

Let’s explore this irresistible allure:

• Rejection in a fantasy feels like real rejection? Nope.

• Ownership and accountability for mistakes? What mistakes? Non-existent in a fantasy world.

• Taking risks in our imagination? Doesn't require the same level of bravery as, say, actually leaving the house.

• The conflicts and disagreement can be solved in a health way? Pure fantasy as conflicts don’t exist.

  
  

These are the juicy, undeniable reasons we spend so much time in our heads. It's often pure, avoidance of a present reality we just don't want to face. The more idealized our mental version of a real-life situation becomes, the harder it is to reconcile that perfection with the glorious, often muddy, messiness of reality, and the terrifying possibility of not succeeding. We end up tying our very worth to these perfect, untouchable fantasies. So, we stay safe, fooling ourselves into thinking "one day" we'll finally make the effort, or worse, that someone else should make the effort for us.

The real question isn't why others aren’t painfully entertaining our elaborate mental playgrounds, but why aren't we engaging with reality? Has our own comfort become the most important thing to us? Why do we lack real-world examples of ourselves doing the uncomfortable things directly related to those fantasies?

From Court Dreams to Court Reality (My Personal Exhibit A)

Let's choose a practical example: my desire to be a "good tennis player." Let’s say instead of, you know, actually picking up a racket and showing up on a court, I launch into elaborate fantasies. I imagine myself as this perfect tennis player, gracefully hitting aces, probably on perfectly round, sparkling courts bathed in golden light. I build such wildly unrealistic expectations that the thought of not succeeding is absolutely crushing.

My brain, ever the enabler, pipes up: "If only the courts were in the Metaverse, I'd be out there! Oh, they're not? Well, that's a fantastic, completely bulletproof excuse!" Or, I'm so special, the courts should literally teleport into my living room with a cheering squad, of course. Or maybe tennis only exists because of my fantasies, and the world should literally bow down to me for my imaginary creations, so perhaps I should just... fantasise harder! Our mental rumination knows no bounds.

The harsh reality? Tennis exists whether I fantasise about it or not. It's there, utterly indifferent to my internal monologues. Getting dressed, showing up, and trying to hit a ball are pretty simple, logical actions. It's what people who actually play tennis do. But I have all these right "real" actions planned in my head, and it feels like I'm practically playing. The burning question remains:

Why am I not on the actual tennis court?

Oh, right. Because the imaginary crowds aren't applauding my avoidance? I lack clarity on my desires and process, and I've established no trust with these imaginary fans. No one's handing out guaranteed success and trophies? Imagine, I haven't even showed up once on the court, (it’s very difficult, especially since the sun isn’t quite shining in the right light) but look at that entitlement... Grab a magnifying glass, put it on that fantasy, and truly examine that ego, have some popcorn on the side.

Now ask yourself: Where did my humility go? How did I reach a point where I thought I could skip the beautiful, messiness of life and emotions? To bypass emotional work, accountability, ownership, vulnerability, fear, rejection, resilience or the delightful feeling of not being able to control? How did I lose grip on reality this much? To believe I could achieve any dream without any of that?

How did I come to think I could be a writer if I didn't write a single page? Build a business if my ideas never faced rejection and learning? Run a marathon if I never ran a mile (or, for that matter, expect to finish a marathon just because I did run one mile)? Be a good swimmer if I never stepped in the water? The audacity!

The Emotional Core

Most of us know what our actions (or lack thereof) are producing. The reason we don't pursue our fantasies isn't logical; it's deeply emotional. And how do we tackle those beautiful emotions? Well, our goals often reveal parts of ourselves we'd rather not look at, uncomfortable truths we need to face, choices we made, wounds and messy areas where we need to grow and accept ourselves.

Ultimately, it probably doesn't matter what we do or don't do in relation to our fantasies and dreams. What matters is who we are, or who we are becoming, in the process. In other areas of life, where you are not emotionally invested you don't have "perfect" expectations of yourself or others, you're more willing to let go of the feeling of control as you don't have to protect your “ideal” vision. Only when I truly grasp that about my fantasies – when I'm willing to let go of that perfect image – will I actually show up on the tennis court. Because it truly doesn't matter if I'm a great tennis player or not, or if I'll ever be. It's about who I become by showing up and practicing no matter the outcome.

The Future of Reality vs. Fantasy

In my opinion, the line between the fantasy world and the real world will become an increasingly global challenge as technology, gamification, and AI continue to develop. Soon, more people might struggle to tell the difference between watching the sea on a screen and truly feeling the waves on their skin. Should this worry our society? Maybe.

For some, a life steeped in fantasy might be all they ever choose, and that's their prerogative. There is no "perfect" choice, and if that's what you want, do that. Feel safe, spend all the time you need in your fantasy, escape your reality if that makes you happy. Live your best virtual life ever; no one is forcing you out of that. I understand and agree that we first dream it before it becomes reality, and yes there is resilience in that, you are doing a brilliant job at that!

For others, they'll crave real experiences; they'll want to accomplish their dreams, whatever they are, and when they stumble, they’ll find their way towards their dreams again because that's what makes them feel alive. They'll embrace the messiness, the glorious not-knowing, the fear, and the joy that make us feel truly human.

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