Rewriting Your Story: Transforming Our Relationship with the Past

What if you could rewrite your story, not to change the past, but to transform your relationship with it? This question lies at the heart of narrative approaches, developed by Michael White and David Epston, which emphasise the power of storytelling to reframe experiences and create more positive narratives. By consciously reconstructing our personal stories, we can shift our internal dialogue and perceive familiar situations with fresh perspectives, fostering healing and growth.

In my interactions with individuals from diverse backgrounds, I've consistently observed the profound impact of personal narratives. We all carry stories that shape our self-perception, that create meaning or have no factual evidence that supports them.

These narratives often begin with phrases like, ‘I think this is happening because I…’or ‘I'm not someone who...’ or ‘I'm the type of person who...’ ‘this is how I am…’, 'I am different' and ‘I always…’etc. These limiting beliefs, shaped by experiences, backgrounds, and cultural influences, define our perceived abilities and preferences. These dominant discourses prevent us from expanding our horizons, keeping us inflexible and rigid.

In narrative approach we need to separate ourselves from “the problem” and see it as external. As often we see ourselves in symbiosis with the problem so in those situations it’s difficult to find solutions when we introduce into the mix our preferences, attitudes, actions, self-beliefs etc. To tackle this, we need to deconstruct “the problem” exploring its effects and look a bit at our internal narrative. By giving the problem, a name or putting “the” in front of the word to create a noun the problem becomes objectified.

We need to ask ourselves questions like: how did the problem appear? Do I have a pattern with this? Have I ignored or denied this problem in the past? How did this belief originate? Does this problem appear in situations I am emotionally charged? Do I prefer to solve my own problems or I tend to pass responsibility? Do I take ownership for the context I find myself in? Do I have to deal with “the problem” now because of my own personal choices? Do I want to pass “the problem” to someone else or do I see myself capable to solve “the problem”? What are the ways of thinking and acting that have created or maintained “the problem”. Which of these ideas are restricting the possibility of growth? Let’s look at a few examples of narratives:

1. “The Perfectionist" Narrative

 Let's say you're working on a project and receive constructive feedback. Your internal narrative might immediately jump to, "I'm never good enough," or "I always mess things up." This narrative could stem from past experiences where you felt pressured to be perfect. However, by deconstructing this situation, you can ask: "Is this feedback truly a reflection of my worth? "Why is my ego so fragile that it crumbles at the possibility of rejection?" "What specific aspects can I learn from? Am I holding myself to unrealistic standards?" "Is this feedback related to me or to this person's needs or success of the project ?" "Is the feedback reasonable?" "Does changing the project according to the feedback have anything to do with my own worth?" By reframing this narrative, you can shift from self-criticism to a growth mindset.

2. “The Victim" Narrative

Imagine you encounter a setback at work, like a project falling through. Your internal narrative might be, "This always happens to me," or "I have no control over my circumstances," or "Someone needs to solve this for me, as I don’t know what to do." This narrative can lead to feelings of helplessness. Perhaps growing up, someone took your autonomy and solved your problems for you. By deconstructing it, you can ask: "What factors were within my control? Why can someone else do something to solve this and I can’t do the same? Am I manipulating others so that I avoid discomfort? What can I learn from this experience? What steps can I take to move forward?" "What am I doing differently?" By reframing this narrative, you can reclaim agency and focus on solutions.

3. “The Procrastinator" Narrative

You have a deadline approaching, but you're struggling to start. Your internal narrative might be, "I'm just not motivated," or "I work better under pressure," or "I have plenty of time." This narrative can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. By deconstructing it, you can ask: "What's the underlying fear or resistance?" "If I start it earlier, what would be some of the benefits?" "What's preventing me from starting right now?" "What small steps can I take to break down this task?" "What rewards can I give myself for progress?" By reframing this narrative, you can develop more productive habits.

4. “The Socially Awkward" Narrative

You are in a social situation and feel uncomfortable. Your internal narrative might be, "I am always awkward," or "people don't like me." By deconstructing this, you can ask: "What evidence is there that people don't like me?" "Am I putting pressure on myself to be perfect or liked?" "Is this about my ego or about connecting with people?" "What small steps can I take to feel more comfortable?" "What's preventing me from focusing on others and connecting with them?" By reframing this narrative, you can develop more confident social skills.

5. "The Bad Scenario" Narrative

Let’s say you find yourself in situations where you feel you have bad luck, or that people and the whole world are working against you. You might believe that everything happening to you is meant to make situations difficult, so you struggle. This belief might come from valuing yourself only when you overcome challenges. It can also keep you in a scenario where you have very little control over your circumstances, hence finding comfort in complaining. By deconstructing this, you can ask: “What situations in my life have gone well?” “Why do I need to overcome challenges to value myself?” “Where do I feel discomfort when things don’t go exactly as I planned?” “Why do I struggle to see the positive things that are happening to me?” “How will my mood change if I start to do that more?” By reframing these narratives, you can start to focus on the good things in your life and appreciate them more.

6. “The Helper” Narrative

Imagine a colleague consistently approaches you for assistance with their tasks, even when they possess the necessary skills. Your internal narratives might sound like: "I'm the person who always has to fix things and help," or "If I don't step in, this project will fail." These narratives could stem from past experiences where you felt responsible for others, or a belief that your worth is tied to your ability to rescue. However, by deconstructing this situation, you can separate yourself from the 'problem' of being the perpetual "helper" at the expense of your own needs. You can ask yourself: "Why am I assuming responsibility for their tasks?" or "Am I enabling their dependence?" "What happens when I also feel overwhelmed?" By reframing this narrative, you can shift from being "the helper." You might respond, "I understand you're facing a challenge. Let's explore the resources and strategies you can use to address this independently. I'm available to provide guidance, but I believe you have the capacity to find your own solutions." This response acknowledges their struggle without reinforcing the narrative of you being the sole problem-solver. You've rewritten your story from rescuer, fostering both their independence and your own sense of healthy boundaries.

By rewriting these narratives, we reclaim agency and redefine our relationships with ourselves and others. We challenge limiting beliefs, cultivate self-compassion, and create space for personal growth. Sometimes it's just about seeing ourselves from different angles, and that alone will expand our minds.

If you're looking for some inspiring prompts to get your problem-solving mode going, head over to Grafto.