
This isn't an article about how to write down your goals, but rather about why we often set goals we don't truly desire, leading to internal conflict.
We all know the drill: New Year's resolutions, ambitious to-do lists, grand declarations of intent. We write down our goals, brimming with motivation, only to find ourselves weeks, months, or even years later, feeling frustrated and disappointed because we haven't achieved them.
What happens to those unfulfilled goals? We often move them to the next year's list, reframe them slightly, or simply drop them altogether. But what about the emotional toll of these unmet expectations? Setting goals, we don't genuinely desire creates an internal misalignment between our words and our actions. This discrepancy can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt. It's a constant internal battle between what we say we want and what we actually do. This internal dishonesty and incongruence are brutal, and it takes a toll on our wellbeing.
I used to say I want to eat less cake. Then I asked myself do I really want that? If we truly desired something, we would likely make the necessary changes. Sometimes life is that simple. Saying things or throwing up words we don’t mean creates an internal conflict. Here I was “saying” I want to eat less cake while clearly eating a slice of chocolate. This internal dishonesty leads to guilt and frustration. Who was I fooling? And why? Now, I can tell myself I “should” eat less cakes, but I don’t want to, because that’s more accurate.
To establish what we truly want, I suggest looking at our goals from a different perspective. Consider exploring the emotional implications of not achieving these goals. How might you feel if you didn't achieve these goals? Would you be relieved, disappointed, or indifferent? Write about how little you did, or are likely to do, towards achieving these goals. Explore the emotions that arise when considering these potential outcomes. Are you happy with the prospect of not achieving them? Or does the thought of not achieving them bring about feelings of sadness or disappointment?
By exploring these emotions honestly, you can gain valuable insights into your true motivations and desires. If you discover that you are not truly invested in achieving a particular goal, it's perfectly okay to acknowledge this. You won't have to feel guilty or obligated to pursue it. This honest self-reflection can lead to a greater sense of freedom, reduced guilt, and a more authentic alignment between your actions and your true desires.
Why you want to eat healthier this year, meditate, exercise etc? Why? Write about that… Write about how important that is to you or not. Write about how you are not going to do that and stay exactly like you are, do exactly the same things and see internally how you feel. Relieved, happy, sad whatever it is, be honest with yourself.
Instead of focusing on achieving arbitrary goals, consider exploring your true desires. Why do you want to eat healthier? Is it for improved health, increased energy, or simply to conform to societal expectations? If it's the latter, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your goals. By honestly assessing your goals and identifying those that truly resonate with you, you embark on a journey of self-discovery and greater self-awareness.
If you truly desire a goal, write about it with intention.
Why? Is it for you or for others? What are you willing to do to achieve it?
Is your goal your responsibility or someone else’s?
What emotional work are you willing to do? This might involve accountability, identifying and addressing limiting beliefs, overcoming self-doubt, or developing greater self-compassion.
How will you hold yourself accountable?
What are your potential roadblocks, and how will you overcome them?
This process requires honesty and it may involve acknowledging that some goals you simply don't want to pursue. This can be liberating. You free yourself from the pressure of achieving arbitrary goals and can instead focus your energy on what truly matters to you.
Achieving goals requires courage, resilience, vulnerability, and a willingness to let go of the ego. It's a journey of growth and discomfort is inevitable. However, having an honest dialogue with ourselves can save a lot of wasted effort. By focusing on genuine desires, we can avoid pursuing goals that don't truly resonate with us and instead invest our energy in what truly matters to you.
For goals you truly want to pursue, head over to Grafto platform and use our prompts and tools to support you on setting meaningful goals this year.
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