The Journey of Forgiveness: Healing Through Understanding

The wounds inflicted by others, whether intentional or not, can linger. They leave us questioning long after those experiences have passed. This article is about how we can move forward with those experiences and why it is profoundly healthy for us to do so.

Understanding Painful Experiences

We all encounter individuals who cause us pain at some point. These people could be close to us, like our carers or friends, or even strangers. When such situations arise, a common narrative in our minds might be: How did they do it? How could they lack empathy to that level?

The truth is that people behave in ways that cause harm, and to some extent, we all make mistakes. It is through these experiences that we have the opportunity to grow.

The Struggle for Accountability

I personally struggled with understanding why, even when people realised their mistakes, they didn't take accountability. I like to think of incidents not as isolated events but as patterns on a continuum. It’s one thing to make mistakes, but how is it possible to perpetuate those mistakes daily?

How do they find excuses? What story are they telling themselves to justify their actions every single day? If they understood their mistakes, or even considered them, what prevents them from rectifying their actions?

Observing them make the same mistakes daily, running from accountability and ownership, yet hoping someone else will solve it for them, raises many questions. How can that possibly work? Why is something so normal and part of life so very difficult for them?

Empathy and Understanding

How can they still not put themselves, even for a few seconds, in other people’s shoes? If I had behaved with them like that, what specifically would they have wanted from me? Do they think they are “better” than the rest of the world because they’ve found ways to avoid accountability?

Will they hide for the rest of their lives to preserve their comfort? Their emotional comfort was paramount when they made those mistakes. How can they not see they continue to choose that comfort “today”?

These narratives are understandable, and many people can relate. However, they are not constructive. They leave us focused on the wrong things, losing sight of the big picture and creating unpleasantness within ourselves.

The Importance of Apologising

It’s true that apologising is about others; we do it because we consider the impact of our actions on them. If we are capable of making mistakes, we are also capable of making better choices. While one can be easy, the other can be incredibly difficult.

To be in that position, one normally needs to face and accept themselves fully, without self-deception. This is very hard. People who struggle to apologise often give themselves too much importance. They imagine their discomfort in those situations or what they might gain from them.

The Challenge of Change

Change is hard for everyone. The path to healing lies not in focusing on their actions but in our own journey of forgiveness. Those people may not have known how to do better then, and they may not know in the present either; it is what it is. Accepting that can be very difficult, and that’s understandable.

Forgiveness seems to be about others; however, it is fundamentally about us. It’s about what wounds we need to heal. What are our triggers, our needs, our negotiables? Why is it so difficult?

The Role of Anger

We hope for apologies, explanations, and most importantly, a change in behaviours. It’s understandable to want that, but how can we forgive and move forward without any of that? Forgiveness is something we need to do whether we are offered apologies or not, whether we see changes or not.

Why should we do that? Because the anger that stays with us harms us long after everything has passed. Forgiving makes our lives better; it helps us be open again and prevents those wounds from closing us off.

Reflecting on Our Mistakes

Perhaps forgiveness helps us reflect on situations when we made mistakes and how we might have hurt others as well. It leads us to truly accept the messiness of being human, including our own misunderstandings or missteps, and the ways we may have inadvertently harmed others.

Understanding that being human means there will be experiences in life that challenge us, and we grow as a result of those challenges, is crucial. The reason it's good to forgive is that it makes us open again, more accepting of others and ourselves.

The Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness makes us wiser, more compassionate, and better human beings, for us, for others, and for those who harmed us, intentionally or not. In my experience, when I forgave and was more accepting, I felt lighter. I also learned massively from those mistakes.

I got to know myself better, understand what’s important to me, and discover the version of me that has grown.

How to Forgive: Write Your Way Through It

How to forgive, you might ask? Write about how you felt over and over. If the pain is present, write about what could be some of the reasons why they behaved like that. Even if it’s hard, it helps with the process of forgiving.

Write with all the compassion you have for yourself and for others. Write about what you want today and how you are creating healthy spaces for yourself. Encourage others to do the same.

Setting Boundaries

Write about the boundaries you have in place now. Don’t worry if those people don’t understand you yet; let them do the best they can. Write about who you are now, unapologetically owning what you want. Those experiences have changed you, and that is the silver lining.

Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves, and that is key in our acceptance of all parts of us. For those situations, write how you felt, what might have caused you to behave like this, and what you think was the impact.

Personal Growth

How would you behave now in those situations? How are you creating different behaviours for yourself? How are you holding yourself accountable? Write about your growth and who you are now as a result of that.

Understanding yourself and others better now is essential. Write about how you no longer judge yourself. Write about what you are doing differently now. You can’t change the past, but you can only change the present.

Making mistakes is part of life. I know I’ve personally grown and changed from learning from my mistakes. I also know people who have grown or are in the process of changing as a result of their mistakes. That’s always commendable, given the challenging nature of this common growth journey.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey

Perhaps this is what it was all about all along. If you want to write a letter of forgiveness using our prompt, head over to Grafto.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. Embrace it, and you will find peace and healing.