Write Your Way Through Forgiveness

The wounds inflicted by others, whether intentional or not, can linger, leaving us questioning long after those experiences have passed. This article, however, is about how we move forward with those experiences and why it is profoundly healthy for us to do so.

We all, at some point, encounter individuals who cause us pain. These people could be close to us, like our carers or friends, those we deeply care about, or even strangers.

When such situations arise, a common narrative in our minds might be: How did they do it? How could they lack empathy to that level? How can someone behave in such a way and truly not "know"? The truth is that people do behave in ways that cause harm, and to some extent, we all make mistakes. It is through these experiences though that we have the opportunity to grow.

I remembered I personally struggled most with understanding why, even when people realised their mistake, they didn't take accountability. I like to think of incidents not as isolated events, but as patterns on a continuum. It's one thing to make mistakes, but how is it possible to perpetuate those mistakes daily? How do they find excuses, and what story are they telling themselves to justify it every single day? If they understood their mistakes, or even considered them, what prevents them from rectifying their actions? Specifically, for me, it's observing them make the exact same mistakes daily, running from accountability and ownership, yet somehow hoping someone else will solve it for them. How can that possibly work? Why is that something so normal and part of life so very difficult to them? How can they still not put themselves, even for a few seconds, in other people’s shoes? If I had behaved with them like that, what specifically would they have wanted from me? Do they think they are “better” than the rest of the world as they’ve found ways to avoid? Will they hide for the rest of their lives so that they don't face themselves, simply just to preserve their comfort? Their emotional comfort was paramount when they made those mistakes, and how can they not see they continue to choose that comfort “today”? Why do they pretend they don’t know what needs to happen? and so on. While these narratives are understandable and many people can relate, they are not constructive. They left me focused on the wrong things losing side of the big picture and creating in me unpleasantness.

It’s true that apologising is about others; we do it because we consider the impact of our actions on them. If we are capable of making mistakes, we are also capable of making better choices; while one can be easy, the other can be that incredibly difficult. To be in that position, however, one normally needs to face and accept themselves fully, without self-deception, which is very hard. People who struggle to apologise are often because they give themselves too much importance, they imagine their discomfort in those situations, or what they might gain from them or how their ego will be affected if they perceive it as a loss to put themselves in that position, making it hard to set their own needs aside. These journeys take time and emotional work, perhaps we don't fully understand their personalities, upbringing, just as we may not fully understand our own; change is hard for everyone. The path to healing lies not in focusing on their actions, but in our own journey of forgiveness. Those people may not have known how to do better then, and they may not know in the present either; it is what it is. Accepting that can be very difficult and that’s understandable.

Forgiveness seems to be about others; however, it is fundamentally about us. It’s about what wounds we need to heal? What are our triggers, our needs, our negotiables, our nice to have? Why is it so difficult? Because we hope for apologies, explanations and most importantly change of behaviours. It’s understandable we want that but how can we forgive and move forward without any of that? Forgiveness is something we need to do whether we are offered apologies or not, whether we see changes or not. Why should we do that?

Because the anger that stays with us harms us long after everything has passed. Because forgiving makes our lives better; it helps us be open again and prevents those wounds from closing us off. Perhaps it helps us reflect on situations when we made mistakes, how we might have hurt others as well, leading us to truly accept the messiness of being human, including our own misunderstandings or missteps, and the ways we may have inadvertently harmed others. Understanding that being human means there will be experiences in life that challenge us, and we grow as a result of those challenges. The reason it's good to forgive, however, is because it makes us open again, more accepting of others and ourselves. It makes us wiser, more compassionate, and better human beings, for us, for others and for those that harmed us intentionally or not.

In my experience, when I forgave and I was more accepting, I felt lighter. I also learned massively from those mistakes. I got to know myself, to understand what’s important to me, and I also got to know the version of me that has grown.

How to Forgive: Write Your Way Through It

How to forgive you might ask? Write about how you felt over and over or feel if the pain is present, write about what could be some of the reasons why they have behaved like that, even if it’s hard it helps with the process of forgiving. Write with all the compassion you have for you and for others. Write about what you want today, how you are creating healthy spaces for you and encourage others to do the same. Write about the boundaries you have in place now and don’t worry if those people don’t understand you yet, let them do the best they can. Write about who you are now, unapologetic owning what you want as those experiences have changed you and that is the silver lining.

Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves and that is key in our acceptance of all parts of us. For those situations write how you felt, why might have caused you to behave like this, what do you think was the impact, how would you behave now in those situations, how are you creating different behaviours for you, how are you holding yourself accountable, how did you grow, write about your growth and who you are now as a result of that. Write about how you understand yourself and others better now and write how you no longer judge yourself. Write about what you are doing differently now, as you can’t change the past, but you can only change the present.

Making mistakes is part of life, and I know I’ve personally grown and changed from learning from my mistakes. I also know people who have grown or are in the process of changing as a result of their mistakes, and that’s always commendable given the challenging nature of this common growth journey. Perhaps this is what it was all about all along.

If you want to write a letter of forgiveness by using our prompt, head over to Grafto.